Confession – Giving Makes Me Uncomfortable

I admit it, I worry about giving. For someone who is so compassionate about the pain in the world, I often have a difficult time giving money or gifts to others, or even taking care of myself when money is involved. I work at a non-profit. All of our efforts in December are centered around asking others to give money to support us. The irony does not escape me. Quite honestly, I am that cheap friend. The re-gifter, the thrifty annoying penny pincher. Too, I spend money on coffee every day. So here I am, a walking contradiction. I am not sure where that fear comes from – the fear of not having enough. I have never spent a day in my life not having my needs met.

When the calendar rolls over to December 1st and the season of giving meets us whole heartedly in the face with jingle bells, and catchy songs, and all kinds of red and sparkles, I get rather uncomfortable. Not because I do not like making those lists for myself, or dreaming of ways I can creatively gift to others, but because I know this holiday merriment pushes me into a season of trust in having enough that calls attention to a part of myself that I am not particularly fond of.

What amazes me this week, are the multiple ways in which the universe is reminding me that I have enough. That I am worthy of receiving gifts, and have the resources to bestow blessings upon one another. Thursday morning a fabulous friend and mentor brought her five year old son to my office. They were on an adventure of random kindness. Grady wrote in his shaky handwriting on a coffee mug – find the beauty in everything. (Likely the message was prompted by mom, but who needs to know?) Now those are my two love languages right there – coffee and reminders that I need to look for beauty each day.  A child like wonder to remember that kindness moves mountains. It shaped my day, and my week, and reminded me that I too, need to work on being kind.

I went to a wonderful “Dining for Women” event where we went around the table before breaking bread and were asked to share what was bringing us joy this season. Once again, an amazingly refreshing reminder that there is joy in each and every day. My list included this blog, living in a beautiful state, Christmas cookies, and opportunities to grow. The woman standing next to me talked about how she went through an exercise this year in removing clutter. Her motivation was that we are always saving things for “some day” – shoes, bags, book shelves that don’t fit, pants that are just too tight. This woman wasn’t referring to my hoarding of money at all – trust me, I know I don’t need to be in her example of joy. However, her words struck my heart immensely. I do, I save money, and things and hoard for fear of needing them some day. Not trusting that the Lord will provide for me too in that some day moment. That doesn’t mean I need to go be irresponsible, or make stupid choices, but I felt called out to relax and breathe and trust, once again, that I will continue to have enough. This reminder in other’s words was immensely beautiful to me.

Weeks roll off calendars quickly and I can’t believe it is the middle of December. Holiday parties and cookies and sprinkles and cocktails filled my weekend and my heart was warm with connections to family. I was touched that my mom wanted to still spend a day baking holiday yummies with me. Might I recommend this Gingerbread Biscotti recipe? We had the privilege of being with Dylan and his extended family – aunts and uncles in from out of town. I was given these little misfit toy ornaments from his aunt – brought all the way from Germany from when they were growing up there.

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Aren’t they cute and charming? I find such beauty in their tiny features and big eyes and delicate little selves. I am tickled to have these little guys dancing amongst my branches of my Christmas tree as I once again bask in the gifts that God has given me in family and human connection this week.

This week, family grounded me and the kindness of others were more necessary than I even knew I needed. Now, to get to work on finding the joy in giving to others. I can not wait to reciprocate the beautiful feeling of love and provision that all of these people have given me.

Does giving make you uncomfortable? What are some of your holiday delights?

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One comment

  1. Yes, I agree that worries about giving are often a consequence of hoarding, and that giving inspires feelings of trust and abundance. Good post! When I start to worry about giving, I know it’s time to get rid of some clutter! Happy New Year.

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