2014

Oh, that’s risky.

What I’m going to write about today doesn’t feel beautiful. It feels scary, and uncomfortable, and really frustrating. And in fact it’s something I wish I could eliminate from my life all together, because it makes my stomach hurt and tears come to my eyes. Risk. Isn’t that a nasty four letter word? In light of our recent circumstances, risk seems to be a consistent undertone in decision making. So this is my effort to reclaim that little word and say, ” Hey you, you RISKY situation you, I see you and I’m going to do it anyways.”

I think, when I was in elementary school, my teachers would often tell my parents, “Katie doesn’t take many risks.” I guess that personality trait stuck with me and continues to be in my blood, my character make up. I like to play it safe, assess a situation, and see all the possible outcomes before making a decision. I’ll usually make a decision after taking some time to calculate the risk, and the benefits too. I’ve been known to do cost analysis, make pro/con lists, weigh the options. But, surprise, God isn’t working that way in my life right now. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

This week we made the decision for Dylan to take a part time job. No more unemployment benefits, and no guarantee that there will be enough hours in the workweek to make ends meet. A scary risk. But I am trusting in a wide open door where an interview and job offer came easy, and in the hopes that this may lead to new connections, new opportunities, and perhaps something else. They say it is better to be working. That it is easier to find a job when you have a job. Ugh…please help me to remember this. It is so easy to see the potential negatives in a risky situation rather than the positives.

We took another huge risk this week in that we finally set a date for our wedding! This risk, this one is exciting, it’s one I’ve been waiting for for quite awhile. But doesn’t the big MARRIAGE feel like it has a huge risk too. In my generation, half of our parents are divorced, and there are so many things that can go wrong. Wedding planning alone, on a small non-profit salary budget with the help of our parents, feels risky. Picking a venue that fits 200 people feels risky. What if it rains, what if its windy, and what if I get too overwhelmed by all those wedding decisions? Because I am not the girl who cares about those Chivali chairs. Or whatever they are called.

Something to celebrate

About a year ago I remember I participated in a group conversation where we were talking about risks we had taken. The context was risks “at-risk” youth take – at risk of what? I’m not sure I like that term. Most people’s responses leaned towards negative risk behaviors, stupid things kids had done in high school, drinking too much, driving a car with their eyes closed. The facilitator redirected the dialogue mid-conversation and asked us, “Why does society always think risk taking is bad? What are some good risks you took?” And I think that is the perspective I am hoping for here. Yes, there is a risk in not knowing for sure where that pay check is going to come from. And yes, in this day and age, marriage is maybe one of the biggest risks I will ever take in my life. But I know this. I love Dylan and I wouldn’t want another life partner. We are going through tough stuff now, and maybe it won’t get easier. But at least we will be together. And maybe we will drain our bank account for a four hour celebration because we want to get married and I’m kinda sick of waiting for that perfect moment where we say ahh, now the situation is great – let’s move ahead. I am not sure it’s going to arrive and if I take this approach, I might be waiting forever.

I came across this quote today – they say Brad Pitt said it, I’m not quite sure – but it goes like this, ” A family is a risky venture, because the greater the love, the greater the loss. That’s the trade off, But I’ll take the risk.” Oh, that nasty four letter word. When I care about people, when I want success, when I wait around for clear answers, there is risk that I may get hurt and lose it all. That loss is perhaps a real consequence, but I want to live in the moment and continue to hope for something better. There is beauty in the potential positive outcomes of risk, and the learning opportunity in the negative consequences of risk. And beauty in me being vulnerable and saying, “this kinda sucks.” This trusting stuff is risky business… but what’s the alternative?

Tampons…. I’m thankful for Tampons….

Tampons. Seriously, I am thankful for tampons. Not that I need them this week, or would that be sharing too much information? Probably. This week, I was invited to participate in a really neat group for women called Dining for Women. Chapters all over the United States meet for fellowship and learn about programs all over the world that are benefiting women – teaching skills, empowering leadership, encouraging healthy family interaction, and acting on the idea that when women thrive, culture thrives. Women share a meal and are asked donate what they would estimate they would have spent if they would have gone out to dinner. This money then get’s donated back into programs and change lives in significant ways. The March program focuses on The BlinkNow Foundation, started by a woman named Maggie Doyne who is my age, who is doing wonderful things with the women in Nepal.

Now in Nepal, to this day, women who are menstruating are considered dirty, tainted. During this time they must be completely separate from society, locked out of homes, schools, and work while nature does its work within their bodies. The BlinkNow Foundation is teaching women how to create a business selling their own handmade reusable sanitary napkins and encouraging women to not be ashamed of a process that is natural and reclaims the experience with so much potential. NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. I think someone at Playtex, or Always, or Tampax really needs to partner with this amazing woman. While our culture certainly makes this process more, well, comfortable, for women here in the states, I think there is still a certain element of secrecy and shame to this process that all of us women go through each month. So, here’s to clearing the air on that issue. And I appreciate the multiple aspects of beauty in this situation. There is beauty when women gather to share food, beauty when young women follow their hearts to help others, and beauty when women are freed from shame and allowed to be themselves in community. And there is beauty in the fact that I can freely buy tampons.

Ok, so who is squirming? This week has also given me a few more things to appreciate. The weather is warming up, finally, and each morning the birds have been chirping when I press my sleep button over and over in the mornings. It makes it a little bit more bearable to get out of my warm bed. While daylight savings time did rob me of an hour of sleep over the weekend, the extra hour of light when I get out of work at the end of each day is incredibly beautiful. It lifts my spirits, and makes me a little bit more motivated to throw on my running shoes. I haven’t committed to that running regimen yet, but I’m thinking about it. My baby brother turned 22 this week, and I was able to send lots of positive love and light his way and I get to house sit and take care of my puppies that I miss quite a bit. Dylan and I are thinking about getting a fish and are taking votes on names. Do you have any names you would like to throw into the bowl?

Overall it was a pretty good week. There are more good things to come, as whispers of change and exciting things are starting to float around our house. Stay tuned…. and don’t forget to vote for that fish name.

“What I Believe About You”

I think I found this picture on Pinterest, I can’t remember, and I’m sorry if I’m not giving appropriate credit. What I love, however, about this little quote is it encourages authenticity. And it encourages celebrating myself. I don’t think society does a great job of encouraging us to celebrate ourselves. We down play compliments, are quick to point out flaws, and are often afraid of tooting our own horn for fear of being arrogant, loud, self centered. Yes, there are plenty of those “me monsters”, as comedian Brian Regan would call them, but I think it is rare when we come across people who are worth celebrating that actually allow themselves to engage in self celebration.

This week I had a few choice encounters with beauty in this world. My favorite came in a really unexpected way. I was invited on a whim to participate in an online writers workshop called Women Who Write Rock – a virtual retreat where for seven days women share their writing online, and participate in Skype sessions, and post on Facebook. This opportunity excited me, and scared me too, because while I love writing, I do not love criticism or critique and I really am kinda uncomfortable with people I don’t know. But I signed up, and it has been a really fun journey so far. I am on day 4 of 7 and I am responding to prompts and responding to other people’s writing. Beautiful writing with beautiful expression of pain, of joy, of experience, and of self celebration. I am getting positive feedback, and these other people’s responses – hundreds of women whom I’ve never met- are making me feel more at home in this world that doesn’t often celebrate women.

This week, my beauty to share with you is the affirmation that the workshop creator gave to us as we started our week of writing. Helene Rose, whom I’ve never met, inspired me and gave me such a confidence boost with her words. These words are reminders we should repeat throughout the day. They should echo in our actions, and be whispered to ourselves when we feel crummy. They should be yelled from mountain tops, and sneak out through laughter. They should be celebrated. We should be celebrated. How do you celebrate yourself?

” What I Believe About You”

You are a woman of great strength and courage.
You have the ability to express yourself. It may or may not need prodding. But it’s there.
You have a right to be heard, your voice booming out to the world, for all to witness.
You have a unique story to tell. All women do.
Your presence on the earth is magnificent, and we need you. We need your unique contribution.
Your life is filled with challenge and heartache, but it’s for a purpose. To serve your soul.
Your inner creatrix yearns to be free, to express, to just be, without judgement.
You deserve every ounce of ecstatic joy and abundance that life has to offer.
You can overcome your fears and claim your place in heaven on earth. The earth will rejoice.
You are a kick-ass, warm-hearted, kind, compassionate, loving, fierce and powerful woman. A force to be reckoned with.
Your broken-heart only grows stronger, more authentic, and more open to love when it heals.
Your supportive feminine community yearns to witness your heart-opening experiences through your creative self expression.
You want to be held and we hold you, in loving compassion.
You are a shining star. XXOO, Helene ”

For more information about Helene, check out Bebrilliantnetwork.com

You Can’t Count That

Have you noticed how goal oriented we are as a society? Or maybe I should ask, as my friends, have you noticed how goal oriented I am? I get so excited about checking things off my list, about saying whew… that project is done, or I’ve finally accomplished that! I have, for YEARS, been trying to read 20,000 pages in one year – a new years resolution that has rolled over for the 7th year now. (Two years ago I got close with 18,500 pages- last year was a dismal attempt at 7,500 pages). I love a good grading rubric (Thank you IB Program), my “FitBit @fitbit” that counts my daily steps, and anything else that helps me to quantify the things I am doing in my life. It feels good and secure to check things off and say to who ever “they” are – ha! see I did it! Aren’t you going to applaud? Sometimes “they” do, and sometimes, “they” don’t.

But I have been thinking so much about how as I enter my mid twenties it is becoming more difficult for me to quantify my success. I suppose I know the right things to do that I’m not and it’s driving me crazy- the applying to grad school, the “career track”, the happy wedding planning, the saving to buy a house. I know, some day, I will accomplish all that but I am afraid I may look back and the applause won’t be there. I’m pretty sure when those things are under my belt I may feel a significant tug for ok, what now! I even feel that way about this project – how many ‘likes’ am I getting, and why is no one new following me! Am I performing too much for the invisible “they?”

Dylan and I often talk about how we measure success, and what it means to be living a happy life. Isn’t it rather ironic how difficult it is to put a number on such a thing? Sociologists, psychologists, researchers – they dedicate years of their lives to try and put a number on such an illusive concept. Success – what does that mean for me? Especially now when I’m not getting a grade, or a daily pat on the back from someone other than myself, or finishing a program and filling out an evaluation or a really wonderful rubric. I guess that’s what it boils down to – what does it mean to me? Well, I am not quite sure most days, but I am working on stepping away from the counting, the calculating, the trying to find an answer, and that standing on top of the mountain moment where I turn around and expect applause. I want my applause to come from my heart more than from others on a daily basis. This is a huge shift in attitude for me. Can you help keep me on track – because let’s be honest, the atta’ girls from society’s expectations feel so good. They make me feel on track, not off center. Other’s approval makes me feel secure. That’s ridiculous.

Maybe being ‘successful’ is more about bending in the wind, the side steps, and the ability to adapt to the world around me and the changes moving within me. Within ME. Does anyone else ever wonder how hard it is to be an individual in such an individualist culture that is pulling us to all be the same thing? Yuck. I don’t want to be the same.

This weekend we had the privilege of spending some time in Breckenridge at Dylan’s uncle’s cabin. It was a beautiful breather where I got to go skiing, and try snowshoeing for the first time, and sleep in, and watch the sun come up over Mount Quandry while drinking too many cups of coffee. So this week, I am thankful for the beauty that the mountains offer and for quiet at night. Do you know how quiet it gets at night when its just the stars and the beautiful whisper of the pines in the wind?

I am thankful that I live in a destination state where people come from hundreds of miles to see. I am thankful for the beauty of a relationship where I can spend a weekend with a guy I love, whom I’ve spent six years learning about, and learning with, and loving, and laughing. And I’m thankful that I can keep climbing mountains, when I’m not sure what’s behind that next bend. I am thankful for the beauty in knowing that I can work on expecting less applause at the top, but rather change my focus to appreciating where I’m at on the trail. And I am finding beauty in the things that I am doing – the working for a non-profit, this project, the learning to love my parents as adults and friends, and the finding my way in the world – one day at a time, with patience and grace and a little bit of applause within my own heart.

I’m that girl…

I’m that girl. The one who wants to hang out with her mom – yes, still – on Friday nights. The one who talks to her parents every day whether on text, email, FaceTime or just the phone. I joke with my dad and make him buy me pizza and beer, and I drag Dylan to my grandma’s house for Thursday night dinner. I’m not sure Dylan knew what he was getting into when he said he would move with me so I could be closer in proximity to my parents house. Because I’m going to want to continue to hang out with them, and joke with them, and cry with them until, well, hopefully forever.

(This is me and my mom on Halloween – she wears the wig to work as a scary secretary – she is awesome. Do I ever take a normal photo? Not often)

I got a double bonus in that I also am the girl who is TOTALLY ok hanging out with my future in-laws on a Saturday night. I text my future father in-law, have great conversation with my future mother in-law, and am as comfortable at their house as I am at the house I grew up in. That’s saying something. Skeptics go ahead – tell me about how this is going to change, and I will grow to desire my own space, and my own life, and hate my in-laws. Well things may change, but I hope that weekend encounters, and family dinners and Sunday outings with my parents – both sets – continue. They have wisdom and guidance, and humor and vulnerability and free dinners to share!

(This is me and my future father in-law. We switched sunglasses for our afternoon stroll- he can rock them don’t you think?)

One of the beautiful things I love about my parents is their openness to the world and all that it has to offer. This is progress, for them, and for me, but I would say that in the past 5 years our family has gone through some significant struggles. These struggles have brought us closer, helped me to grow up, changed our dynamic, and forced us to examine those good ol’ family patterns that you may not like to admit. I am the oldest you know, and strongly demonstrate the side effects of the “I got this, I can take care of it, and take care of you” syndrome. We are working on it.

This new openness also has led both of my parents to change their home screens on their new iPhones to say “Let Go and Trust the Universe.” If there is a better mantra, please let me know. We all also have the same therapist. I’m a big advocate for therapy and think everyone can benefit from an hour a week where you pay someone to talk about things you’d rather not think about. Just kidding, it’s been huge for me, and huge for my family. Now you are probably thinking, where is she going with this? Isn’t this supposed to be about beauty??

Well as openness to the world, and therapy, and my parents culminate into one great expression of beauty for the week I would like to look at what we affectionately call our “Gifts from the Universe”. Maybe it’s a song lyric, maybe it’s a picture, or a quote that speaks to us in ways we didn’t imagine. Maybe its the suggestion of Valerian Root drops to help me sleep, or a friend dropping a line who you haven’t heard from in quite some time. But this week, for my beautiful things, I will share some of the “Gifts from the Universe” that my family and I shared with each other.

If you are looking for a song, I suggest checking out Tyronne Wells song “Give It Time” It spoke to me this week.
If you are looking for some words, here is the Valentine’s Day affirmation my mom sent me:

(I told you, we have a hippy therapist)

Here are 10 affirmations to help you love yourself and bring more love into your life.

I choose to see clearly with eyes of love. I love what I see.
Love happens! I release the desperate need for love, and instead, allow it to find me in the perfect time.
Love is around every corner, and joy fills my entire world.
Today, I remember that Life loves me and will reward me.
Life is very simple. What I give out comes back to me. Today I chose to give love.
I rejoice in the love I encounter every day.
I am surrounded by love. All is well.
I am comfortable looking in the mirror and saying, “I love you. I really love you.”
I draw love and acceptance into my life, and I accept it now.
Love is all there is!

If you are looking for an image, my dad follows this artist named Hugh MacLeod who does Gapingvoid Cartoons. His little cartoons help me and my dad connect each week, and I really loved this one.

If you are looking for a laugh, here is a picture of my 80 year grandma and me when I was trying to teach her about ‘selfies’. Don’t tell her she’s on here, she may not like this face being out on the world wide web.

What were your “Gifts from the Universe” this week? I’d love to hear about them. Keep your eyes open, beauty comes in unexpected packages.

It’s ok… the goat will wear a diaper.

Here we are at week 2 – or week 5. Maybe I’d be better off not counting, and just saying “Hooray, it is time to blog today.” I successfully woke up and completed seven more days. And I have to say, keeping my eyes open for something that makes me laugh, or appreciate life a little bit more was enjoyable, fun even. It gave me something to look forward to. And this morning when I woke up Dylan said to me, well 51 posts to go. True, but I don’t want to take that approach – I don’t want it to be a countdown, because countdowns go towards zero. I’d rather this be an expansive space of exploration and joy than something to check off my list. One month until the Oscars with Ellen DeGeneres… now I will count down to that.

And I found myself thinking, perhaps I need a definition. How can I write on beautiful things if I haven’t defined what beauty is for myself. After a conversation with a friend who I will leave anonymous, however, I got scared to create a definition because his response was “if you are going to define beauty, make it short. No one wants to read a long, drawn out description of something so subjective. Boooring.” Well ouch. I hope I’m not boring you. Here is the definition I will stick with – and perhaps expand upon as the year goes by. Beautiful – an adjective – “pleasing to the senses or the mind aesthetically” or “having qualities that delight the senses”. Ok, so it is short. But doesn’t it encompass so much potential? That’s where the grandness lies.

Some of you may know that I work at a non-profit and assist in running the Volunteer Program there. This week, I had an unusual call from an enthusiastic community member who wanted to bring in their baby goat to work with our kids. “Don’t worry she said, it can wear a diaper.” While this may not be the best fit for our program, I was amused and inspired by someone who had found a passion and committed to it. Let’s be honest, not all of us are called to work with goats. Or want to share that passion with at-risk youth, and be so passionate that they are willing to diaper their animal for the sake of community involvement. It tickled my heart that she would ask, and that she found something that gave her such joy. I hope we can invite the goat back in the spring.

This week has also been really cold and snowy. I am a Colorado girl, yes, and should be used to winter. But let me let you in on a little secret. Colorado winters are not typically that bad. We may have a few days of snow, and enough reason for 4-wheel drive, but the sun comes out and melts it all away within a few days. Well it has been a few days, and its still snowing, and I’m still cold. But the view from my desk at my office has really been something to take a second look at. Just this morning my boss opened up the blinds while I was complaining about the temperature, and she said, “yes, but aren’t the trees pretty?” You win, boss, and thank you for reminding me to appreciate the view. The frame on the left is from my desk, the right is the view from my future in-laws entry way. There is something really pretty about frozen snow on branches while the sun is setting too. And check out that Colorado blue sky.

The Broncos had an embarrassing loss, I got to go sledding, and tried two new things as well. I highly recommend The Post Brewing Company in Lafayette, and a trip to Voodoo Doughnuts in Denver can be worth your wait. I think we waited in line over an hour, but the Dirty Bastard doughnut was a team favorite. I don’t like the logo – it freaks me out.

Who would have thought that doughnuts could be the thing that connects us – all types of people were waiting in that line. Dylan got a hug from a homeless man, and I was encouraged to try specific types of treats from another 20 something who was certainly stoned with a cigar in his hat and bright orange pants. Human expression is something that’s pretty fun to think about. If that gentleman had written this, what would his description of me been?

I think I’m going to like this little adventure.

And we are off….

2013 was a hard year. When I was talking to my mom about one of the discussions she had had on New Year’s Eve with one of her clients, the woman said, “Yeah, I can’t wait to close the door on that bitch.” Well ditto sister. That’s exactly how I feel as well. It was a year of significant transition for me. The first time I moved out of my parents house – I’m about 88% on the way to financially independent. The first time I lived with a boy. A boy I said I would marry. And the first time I started to plan a wedding. It was the first time I had a “big kid job.” And then found out I hated that job, and tried again. And again. And again. Luckily I was able to keep landing jobs, but a job for each season lends its challenges too. And certainly makes my resume look, well, diversified. It was the first time I had to watch someone I love die, and watch my mom struggle too, as she said goodbye to her dad. It was the first time I postponed a wedding – financial uncertainty and emotional stress do not a happy wedding planning bring. Postponed…. not called off. This is an important distinction. Do not ask me if we have picked a date yet. It was the first time I was a maid of honor, saying good luck to my best friend as she began her new married adventure and the first time I opened the door to realizing that “life long friendship” takes a heck of a lot more work than I anticipated. To wrap up the year my fiancé also got laid off. God has been testing my patience and my trust in all that the universe has to offer me, and I will be the first to let you know that I am NOT patient.

Have you seen that book called “F*** I’m in my 20s!” by Emma Koenig? Well, you should check it out, because that, my friend, is quite often how I felt last year (and if I’m honest with myself how I still feel). For some reason, people gloss right over this weird, difficult, exciting time called “finding yourself.” No one really tells you how unsettling it is to be off in this great big world on your own left with a college degree, some debt, a car payment and the opportunity to pursue anything you want. Well anything you want certainly lends you quite a lot of options, and I’d say I’m still trying to figure out exactly what that means.

And so, for 2014, I wanted to start the year off with a bit more of an optimistic outlook. People say that gratitude increases happiness. Happiness is something I certainly want to cultivate in my life, and so, in an effort to practice gratitude and find the good in the every day, or rather the every week, I have challenged myself to find one beautiful thing to think about, to reflect on, or to discover each week. Help keep me on track, and I would love to share my journey with you!

This week is the beauty of imperfection and acceptance of yourself in the process of new beginnings – because maybe you have noticed it is the last week of January. So I admit it, I’m already behind. But there is something great about that too. My new year’s resolution was to lower my standards for myself. Now don’t go getting all judgy on that statement – I just have a tendency to be pretty hard on myself. Success-aholic. What does that even mean? And so, here, with kindness, in the LAST week of January, I’m going to start looking for beautiful things. Maybe there will be more, maybe less, but I hope I can practice keeping my eyes open to the beauty that the world presents to me this year.

And we are off…

52 Beautiful Things

An imperfect attempt to find some beauty the world has to offer. One week at a time.