dance parties

Poked in the Heart

My muscles were sore from sitting on the floor balancing a plate of Chinese food in my lap. As I ate soggy noodles, three women, tenured family friends, sat perched above me on our worn, blue couch. As we watched an unremarkable movie, I felt safe in the company of people who knew me. People who knew him. People who carried pieces of my dead dad in their life stories too.

We had lost him a few months prior, and when the evening ended, I closed the front door and told Dylan, “I don’t want to go to bed because I feel so good now. I’ve forgotten how to feel good.”

I hadn’t thought of that night in years.

Seven days ago, Dylan called me upstairs with a somber voice. His delivery of a simple ask, “Katie, can you come here?” made my stomach sink.

After a week of addiction addled toggling between CNN and The New York Times websites, my eyes stuck in the red center of the US map as election results slowly ticked in. As the edges of our country turned blue, my heart beat escalated. Again, I sat on the floor, balancing plates on my knees as I watched The Queens Gambit to distract.

“Who died?” I thought. Unfortunately, still my default question.

“Joe Biden won” he said quietly.

Running up the stairs, I demanded he click over to nytimes. com – the news source I’ve been trusting in a sea of false news and fabricated reports.

I wasn’t convinced. Dylan scrawled out the math on an envelope waiting on the nightstand. Electoral votes and percentages and likelihoods of a secured win. Numbers and stats to help with the hope of certainty.

My heart cracked open with a gasp. I watched thousands of strangers dance in the streets with signs and masks and music from my tiny cell phone screen. We toasted gin and tonics as I don’t keep bubbly in my cupboard.

I didn’t want to go to bed last Saturday. I’d forgotten what happy felt like. I’ve been living with dread instead. Grief taught me feelings of elation can pop. Hope dissipates into the sheets as we sleep. It’s likely I’ll wake with big feelings in the morning.

As another week passed, COVID cases jump at alarming rates. People I know receive positive test results and I feel my fingers curling closed in fear. I’ve lectured my mom, and doubled up doses of vitamin D and zinc. Daily, I swallow down words I want to say to people who keep doing whatever the heck they want to do in the name of carpe diem.

As the artist PINK says, “It’s gonna be a long way to happy.”

Last night, with another plate balanced on my knees, we watched the movie 13 Going on 30. After the credits rolled, we turned to YouTube to watch Pat Benatar’s music video for Love is a Battlefield. For thirty minutes, my years of dance classes paid off. I wiggled and pointed my toes and matched the movements of the rock stars with big hair on tv. Dylan laughed and my dog barked. I felt happy. I didn’t want to go to bed.

This year has been scary for all of us. Whether you’re aware of your fears, or are stuffing them down into the fibers of your muscles where your subconscious lives, the reality of living in constant threat is not normal.

Like the first months of grief, I wonder if these intense circumstances will ever pass us by.

But there are moments, in balancing plates, and states turning blue, and dance parties in living rooms, where I am poked in the heart to remember again what it’s like to feel good. What a beautiful thing.

Last Call

I received one more submission this morning – better late than never I always say – that brings this little adventure to a total count of 475 Beautiful Things. Things good, and right, and holy, and ordinary that are happening right now, in this mess of a world. While a bit far off from my lofty goal, this list is nothing to sneeze at. Thank you, thank you to all that contributed. Here’s a few more batches.

#456 Weekends “off” from school that give space & time to read a book
#457 My cat, Pippa, – she reminds me to never stop being curious
#458 A quiet snowfall while sitting in a warm cabin by the fire
#459 Wine and dance parties to old music
#450 warm sheets fresh from the dryer

#456 – #460 Contributed by Madeline Huey

#461 A cool, calm, fall morning on the golf course
#462 changing into sweatpants and a hoodie after a long day
#463 Lord of the Rings marathon while snow is falling
#464 hot tea on the porch
#465 When your pup is little spoon & falls asleep

#461 – #465 Contributed by Rachel McClintock

#466 drinking a 15 year Tullamore Dew with your dog Tulla
#467 playing footy on freshly cut pitch
#468 hot Chinese food on a cold winter’s night
#469 watching any movie from the ’80s
#470 celebrating a goal at White Hart Lane

#465 – #470 Contributed by Travis McClintock

# 471 I was given enough time to rest and refresh myself 🙂
#472 I started my own blog
#473 got nice books to read
#474 I got a new job
#475 I have great people surrounding me

#471 – #475 Contributed by Naz Garcia

#476 Being able to go to the university of my choice
#477 The warm sun
#478 My Spotify Premium
#479 My amazing family
#480 The dutch education system
#481 Fall fashion
#476 – #481 Contributed by Amber Cornelissen

So, when you’re feeling down, return to this list, or make your own. There is magic to be found.