Blursday Favorites

Recently, someone I love received a meeting request for time on Blursday at 2 pm.

Blursday. That about nails it.

I’ve been here 46 days now and in the blur, forgot to share a few of my favorite things. Here are some items getting our tiny family through quarantine.


Artisan Sourdough Made Simple: A Beginner’s Guide to Delicious Handcrafted Bread

Yoga with Adrienne videos using this mat and this bolster

Starbucks Pike Place Coffee with Vanilla Torani syrup– they also do instant if you are into the whipped coffee craze

Health supplements including Tumeric, Zinc, Echinacea Sleepytime Tea, and Power Adapt for my anxiety

We’ve attempted to play Scategories and Catch Phrase online with friends

I’m late to the Schitt’s Creek party, but it’s hilarious and I now want to buy this mug. While Stevie is my favorite character, David is close behind. These stickers are fun.

My at home desk now has these pens, this notebook (pages come pre-numbered!), and I’ve been using this light to fight the basement blues.

I’ve also read the following books:

Inheritance: A Memoir of Genealogy, Paternity, and Love by Dani Shapiro

In Pieces by Sally Field

Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling

Turtles All the Way Down by John Greene

The Year of Living Danishly:Uncovering the Secrests of the World’s Happiest Country by Helen Russell

Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid

This new song by Jason Mraz says it all:

What are you relying on for fun, sustenance, and comfort these days?

PS – don’t forget, there’s a virtual writing session tonight and you still have time to sign up.

Day 44 – 52 Good Things

Still here. Still counting good things.

What’s good and beautiful in your life right now? What are you thankful for? My list continues here.

171. Sourdough cheese crackers

172. Clean sheets

173. Being vulnerable

174. Canned soup

175. Waiting for lilacs

176. Choosing how we want to “commute” to work

177. Orange nail polish

178. Hair ribbons

179. Plush carpet

180. Virtual Writing Workshops – there are still spots available for the Thursday evening session. Will I see you there?

What good and beautiful things are you seeing in your life these days? Please send them to me at 52beautifulthings at gmail dot com

Real

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I sent a text pleading today. Standing on the fading back porch, I typed with tears in my eyes.

“I already lost a parent, I don’t want to lose you too.”

The black letters clicked as my fingers pressed into the digital screen.

My thumbs seemed numb, typing heavily as emotion welled in my chest.

I could have picked up the phone, but hiding behind typing and screens felt safer.

Grief slipped between my sentences as I passed my Covid anxiety from my gut to the pocket where his cell phone lingered.

Crying in the kitchen, Dylan hugged me this afternoon and I whimpered, “I just don’t want to lose anyone else.”

On Instagram, and blogs, and videos across the world grief experts are sharing comfort, perspective, and expertise for those new to loss. Coping mechanisms creep up in posts and in video chats and healthy ways to channel our triggers seem to zip in the spaces connecting us on the internet. As someone who writes extensively about my experience with life after loss, I’ve been wondering and waiting for epiphanies to come.

What wisdom can I share to help the newly bereaved? The same lessons apply to the panicked, the hurting, the newly unemployed? What responsibility do I have as an “influencer” who is using personal pain to help guide others?

I’ve stayed quiet because I don’t have much.

I return to the basics and I encourage myself and others to find comfort.

Soothe yourself with warm blankets and cups of tea. Splurge for the brand-name tissues as you wipe your eyes. Light a candle. Nourish yourself. Take a slow walk around your neighborhood. Wear a mask.

And today, when my own imagined panic crept in like fog moving over the mountains, I let the wave consume me. I felt the overflow of emotion leak up out from my chest and onto the laminate floor.

My grief wounds drip fresh with the fear of loss not yet real.

I imagine thousands around the world are feeling the same.

Rather than whisper antidotes and remedies, tonight I give permission.

I’m not an influencer. I’m a human living an experience of life after loss. I finger my scars and I breathe deeply and remember I am human, prone to loss and intense experiences in an aching world.

I give myself beautiful permission to live in this uncomfortable, seemingly horrible space.

I give you permission to ask for a hug. To send pleading text messages and grace for the tears sure to fall. I welcome the beauty found in the permission to accept a warm embrace, even if the arms wrapped around your shoulders are your own.

Pandemic life is scary and hard. The fog licks our fingers and faces and leaves a chill in our bones.

Give yourself the beautiful permission to feel all of this. To weep in the kitchen. To send the texts and express your love and ask for what you need.

At the end of the day, I only want to influence real.

Real is beautiful.

Day 40 – 52 Good Things

Quarantine has roots of the 40 days it takes for plague to pass. I’m at day 40. I know we will be here longer and that’s ok. I want people to be safe. Stay home. Still. Please.

Here are a few good and beautiful things from my week. Let’s keep counting.

160. Attempts at making powdered sugar – fine dust coating counters

161. Chocolate buttercream

162. Leslie Knope is coming back

163. Birthday celebrations from curbs with cupcakes

164. We sent FatHeads of ourselves to my in-laws. This is making me laugh EVERY TIME I see our picture.

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165. Time to write

166. Sharing eggs

167. Dinner prayers

168. Flowers blooming

169. Still sourdough

170. Virtual Writing Workshops – there are still spots available for tomorrow’s session. Will I see you there?

 

Day 37 – 52 Good Things

This morning Dylan and I pretended to commute to our jobs via Subway. Why not?

We turned on this soundtrack(154) and imagined we lived in a metro area and sent solidarity to New York. And laughed.

There are still good things. Even still.

155. This Praise Song for the Pandemic

156. Corn chips dipped in pub cheese

157. Recipe exchanges via email

158. Waking up to curl your hair

159. Virtual Writing workshops – Don’t forget there’s still time to register for this one!

using your words

 

Using Your Words for Light and Levity

using your words

Announcing the first roll-out of 52 Beautiful Thing’s Virtual Writing workshops. My goal is to keep us connected and our spirits light – even if we pause from the pain for 60 minutes or so. I hope you can join me this month at one or both of the virtual sessions outlined below.

Share with a friend. See you soon.

Using Your Words for Light and Levity: A Virtual Writing Workshop

Being a human is hard. Knowing how to take care of ourselves and see the world with hope is a practiced skill. Join me in a one-hour virtual writing workshop. You’ll learn how to use simple sentences, poetry, and writing prompts to reconnect to joy and possibility in an uncertain world.

Come with pen and paper and willingness to be silly and seek out the good.

Each Class is limited to 15 spots

Cost is $25

Registration is a 2 step process:

1. Pay for your slot here

2. Then Pick Your Time and Register on Zoom

April 25th at 10 am MST

OR

April 30th at 6:30 pm MST

Questions? Send me a note.

Day 33 – 52 Good Things

It’s Friday. And before I tune into news or my inbox, I’m counting my blessings and focusing on gratitude. What can you be thankful for first thing in the morning?

141. Snow sparkling on trees against a blue sky

142. A spritz of perfume even if only I will smell it

143. Blush on a makeup brush

144. New patterns to score bread

145. Hot coffee steaming

146. Vanilla syrup

147. Puppy curled in a white comforter

148. Clean shirt and real pants

149. Tiny gems on fake gold earrings

150.  getting an e-library card to access audiobooks

151. TWLOHA virtual 5k: https://twloha.com/runforit5k/ – “Forward is forward no matter the pace”
152. A sweet old man in my building saying “have a super day!” on his way to the mailroom (while keeping properly masked and social distanced).
153. Conscious Ink Temporary tattoos
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(150- 153 submitted by Katie M.)
Hope you’re well my friends. Keep sending me your beautiful things.

Day 31 – 52 Good Things

I’m back. My spirits are lifted a bit and I’m encouraged by the neat things people are still doing. Yesterday I was sad. Today, I asked a friend to pray for me as I stood in line to get into the grocery store. And then, I snapped out of it when sitting waiting for a Zoom meeting I heard something familiar.

136. Children laughing in the backyard next to ours

There are still good things. I needed to remember to look. Maybe you do too right now. We’re still here. We can still breathe deep and tell people we’re loved.

Here are a few more.

137. Cocoa puffs and cereal milk

138. Second City is hosting free improv shows 

139. Pink tulips in vases of fresh water

140. Belly laughs

What good and beautiful things are you seeing in your life these days? Please send them to me at 52beautifulthings at gmail dot com

 

This is not ok.

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Photo by Katsia Jazwinska on Unsplash

I remember standing at the high kitchen counter. My back was facing the big sliding door as the sun started to set and I was leaning against the worn wicker chair. My tear streamed face was turned down and I was looking at my fingers. 

“It’s going to be ok,” I kept saying to no one in particular.

My dad had died earlier that day and we had gathered in the kitchen as family started to show up.

“It’s going to be ok.”

At the time, my brain was spouting words of comfort while stuck in a spinning cycle of thoughts. I hadn’t gotten to the What-the-actual-F*** part yet. I was just trying to soothe the immediate blow.

There have been millions of posts about the world right now. Memes swish in cyberspace and hearts are broken on Facebook and with every It’s-going-to-be-ok sentiment exists a person leaning against chairs in the midst of confusion and swirling thoughts.

If you’re paying attention, your brain and your body are trying to self-soothe.

I don’t remember anyone responding to my five word phrase that day. No one was acknowledging my need to make things ok.

This was not ok. Someone I loved had died.

All over the world, people have died and their losses are broadcast on the news, turned into cautionary tales, used to make other folks terrified. Shame creeps in as the media lurks and warns and flashes as we silently pray, “Please not my people.”

In his book, Joe Biden estimates that for every person we lose, six people are intimately grieving that loss. The US lost over 20,000 people this month. Multiply that by six and realize the number of folks now plunged into grief. Add on the ones who already lost someone and the number of those impacted grows substantially. We’re triggered, we’re sad, we’re wondering and I’m hoping, staying the heck home.

This is not ok.

I’ve been at home for a month now. I know people who have gotten sick and my heart aches when I see posts of people who have died. No one is untouched by this experience.

I flashback to the kitchen and the white wicker bar stool and I whisper to my younger self, “No, this isn’t ok.”

I wish someone had said that to me.

This isn’t ok.

I’ve learned, in the last four years, when we call out the truth of our horrible experiences they lose the tight grips on our hearts and our worried brains.

There’s no going back.

I’m more compassionate to myself. I’m less tolerant of the things our world tells us are important. My molecules have rearranged and my perspectives have softened. I’m quicker to anger at injustice and ache for connection. Scars of loneliness get special attention and I type into the void with calm fingers wishing people could listen – all of our not-ok-ness is valid. We deserve a place to put our not ok stories.

This is not ok.

Let us weep and rest and extend grace to others as we make new choices from what remains. We will stand and move out of the rubble of the worlds we once knew. Donate money. Throw things safely.

Call out the not-ok-ness. I promise these four words are beautiful things.

 

 

 

Bread of Life

“You and everyone else,” she said through her little square box framing her face on the Zoom call.

“It’s delicious. I have plenty of time to practice the craft.” I said to my friend from college through the computer connecting us.

On Sunday last, I spent an hour talking to six women who walked through college with me. We haven’t connected as a group in four years. A pandemic brought us together as schedules opened and boredom crept in. From screens on kitchen tables in Denver, in Brooklyn, and in Spokane, we spent an hour catching up during the oddest life pause we’ve experienced.

She was making fun of me and the seemingly thousands of others in quarantine who have discovered the joy of making homemade bread kitchens world wide.

Starting bread is simple. Flour, water, salt. Cover in dampness and let the air do its magic.

Mix.

Let it breathe.

Add heat and watch it crisp and bubble and morph into sustenance.

Three weeks ago, I was given a jar of white goo from a friend who had kept her starter alive for decades. The building block has grown and multiplied over the years and by miracles of community and connection, parts of the original landed on my doorstep in small glass mason jar.

In my dark kitchen on an unremarkable week night, I pressed connect to launch another video call. My mom walked me through the steps to make a scraggily dough. I called again after the overnight rise for guidance on amounts of flour, moisture, and time required to make something edible.

I’ve followed the steps on my own four times now. Bread is in the oven as I type.

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This week, a friend received another jar of the same white goo from the same legendary start. On another unremarkable week night, she called me via video chat to walk through the same steps my mom taught me just days prior.

The dough, and the love, are multiplying.

My friend sent pictures of her process. My incorrect direction to add extra flour caused her mason jar to overflow. Excess bubbled over and marking her counters with sticky residue.

In my small community, we’ve been texting recipes and getting on video calls and cheering from our kitchens far away.

This bread is connecting people.


Last night, Jesus ate the Last Supper of bread and wine.

Flour. Salt. Water. Grapes.

Simple ingredients connecting us through history.

They tell me Jesus is the Bread of Life.

While I slept and my dough rose, Jesus knew what was coming. Prophecies of betrayal and sacrifice and death led us here to Good Friday. Things we fear and want to avoid came to fruition.

From my home, I’ll sit down and watch a church service online. Maybe dim the lights to get the theatrical effect mega-churches seem to have mastered so well over the years.

“It is finished,” he’ll scream this afternoon and I’ll break my bread in remembrance of Him. I’ll sip my wine and feel the tannins gloss my throat as I swallow down the pain.

We must wait three days until everything changes.

Things feel finished. I feel sad and broken and scared for the ones I love. I know this is going to take more than three days to resolve.

And yet, what is finished in death rises on Sunday.  Even in quarantine.

I can’t help but thinking there’s something to this powerful resurgence of sourdough.

Dough rises. It’s connecting us.

This mix of simple things give rise to something powerful. New life with a crusty chew.

Beautiful things.